Friday, December 21, 2007
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
So my bad influence, Kim, suggested that after I am done with the wedding, I should come join her and her entourage at some fine establishment. So like always, we trek up to the Londoner. Kim, her sister and her boyfriend were already enjoying themselves, and I walked into the bar. I got quite a few strange looks from people, particularly the bouncer. I think people were expecting a boy scout and the president to follow. So I walk in, and find Kim after navigating all the stares. I sit down at the table and order a Newxastle. I am convinced if Jesus were English he would have turned water into Newcastle, not wine. So anyway, I order my drink and Vi orders up shots, red headed sluts, and we drank those. The Newcastles flowed freely. Vi and her boyfriend left, and then Heather arrived. As we sat there chatting, some guys walked over and asked to take a picture with the reverend. Afterwards they asked to sit with us, top which the always alcoholic Kim responded, "Only if you buy Fr Simon a Newcastle." So they proceeded to purchase all 3 of us a pint, they sat down with us. Now not only have I never been to a bar in my collar, although I have drank in it at weddings before, I have also never been molested while wearing it. Heather likes nipples. She started to caress me behind Kim's back as our new friends watched on in horror. The Heather leaned over and took a good bite at my nipple. I am now permanently scarred on my nipple and I believe this is God's way of punishing me for drinking while being a holy man. After last call, Kim and I went to J's for some coffee with another friend, Chad. As we walked in I blessed the people eating shitty food, and was approached by a Greek Orthodox who asked me what something meant. I had no idea, and we walked on. While we were sitting at our table, it came to me. The shocker. 2 in the pink, 1 in the stink. I walked back to his table but alas he was gone. So we had so much fun last night, I think next week I am donning the collar and Kim, Heather and I are going to a topless bar. We will be struck by lightning then.
A priest, a blonde, and Kim walk into a bar
Current mood: crazy
My Favorite Brit, Simon, is an ordained minister (non-denominational) and actually officiates weddings from time to time. So last week, he told me that he was marrying a couple on Saturday and was wondering what we were doing that night. So immediately we told him we were drinking with him in his holy garb.
So, as USUAL my sis, Lalo, and I ended up at our favorite smelly pub, the Londoner. We began drinking and an hour later, in walks Simon with his fashionable priest look. Black shirt, white reverend collar, black suit. Very sporty and dapper...and religious looking. We immediately got him a beer and proceeded to try and get Reverend Simon smashed. Which wasn't going to be hard since he had already imbibed the "holy wine" at the wedding. He told us that the bouncer seemed shocked to see him at the door. All through the night Simon would get double takes and curious looks from the other bar patrons. My friend Heather (trouble-maker) arrived twenty minutes later. After a few beers, three guys approached and asked to take a picture of our Holy Man. So all four of them gathered around with beers in hand and had their pictures taken with Reverend Simon. Then they asked if they could sit with us. I told them they could sit with us under one condition- they buy Father Simon a beer. So they bought us a round. So while we were enjoying our hard earned beers Heather decided to molest the Father and actually BIT him on the nipple. The dudes at our table were flabbergasted.
Father Simon managed to get us free beer, was a dude magnet, and got his nipple bitten- all in one night. He told me for the free beer alone - it was worth wearing the minister suit every Saturday. Ahhhh, good times to be had. Next time I shall remember the camera! (Doh!)
And Heather's take:
Number 1 reason I am going to Hell
Current mood: Angelic
Category: Angelic Religion and Philosophy
At some point last Saturday night I fled the evil confines of Uptown, habitat of the Dallas Douchbag Clan, to seek solace at a good bar with my friend Kim and her friend, the devout Reverend Simon.
Reverend Simon is a real Reverend – he's ordained (non-denominational) and has married over 100 couples. This guy can also knock back the beers like a college frat boy, although unlike a frat boy, he's English, he can hold his liquor, and he's has a great sense of humor. Prior to meeting Reverend Simon a few weeks ago, the last Reverend I'd had an encounter with was a steamroller by the name of Reverend Red Haze. That steamroller was one evil bastard. So, whenever I'm in the goodly Reverend Simon's company, I tend to keep one eye on him. He might carry a bible, but so do Catholic Priests, and I really don't need to comment further than that.
Anyway, by the time I arrived, Kim and the pious Reverend were stuck into the booze. Simon was wearing his black priest garb, complete with the white collar, as he had just come from marrying a couple. This seemed to intimidate most of the patrons, as no one would come near our table. I guess bar patrons see a priest in a pub and think they are going to hell faster than normal if a man of the cloth spots them drinking booze, smoking, or chasing tail. It's like they think the Reverend is going to send a text message to god that says, "hey, man. Don't let this cat in - you should have seen the shit he was getting up to 12/02/07 at the Londoner Pub at 12:05 a.m. Check out YouTube."
Despite the fear factor, three guys approached Simon and asked if they can take a picture with them, which is pretty funny in itself. Kim wisely suggests that they can - if they buy us a drink. Nicely done Kim. So we get a free pint and the young lads join us. We all chat and laugh. I pass my flask of single malt whiskey to Friar Simon a few times, and we sipped on the peaty goodness that is Taliskar. During this time, Simon became "Father Simon" and the Father Ted and Father Jack references began to come out, "Feck, Shit, Arse!" It was also around this time that Kim and I go to the bathroom, and I show her the fabulous duct tape bra I was wearing. Yes, I was drunk, but in my defense, Kim is pretty hot, and Father Jack is a really funny character.
Anyway, the next thing I know, the good Reverend asked me to feel his nipples. As Kim was sitting between us, I had to reach around her back to get to him. Once I found the nipple and gave it good rub, a demon began to speak inside my head, and it told me to bite Father Simon. I guess that's what happens when you drink Newcastle and Scotch: you become processed by a malignant, nipple-biting, archfiend of Satan. So I bit him, pretty hard too. In all seriousness though, how many times will I get to bite a priest's nipple? I had to do it. It's gotta be good luck, like rubbing the budda's belly. Plus I was curious; what does a priest tastes like anyway – wine and wafers? Newcastle and cigarettes? No, he just tasted like cloth, and I did not burst into flames.
It was soon after this that the 3 guys vacated the table – pretty quick. They must have figured that if I'd bit a priest, I'd bite them as well. Go figure. Most people don't receive nipple biting in a positive light. If they did, they would be freaks, and I'm talking like "Freaks of the Industry" type of freaks, like nipple-clamp types of freaks. Yikes.
So much for an innocent night of drinking with my friend and the reverend. Should I feel remorse for biting Father Simon? Nahhh. I'll just by him a pint at the topless bar that Kim is taking us to next weekend. All three of us are going to hell regardless of what we do now, so I suppose I should really earn it.
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Nobody likes the French, but most people don't know why. Well, being English, I am bred to hate them. They are vial, and snobby, particularly the Parisites. So last week the Daily Telegraph told me why, and here are the reasons:
1. Because they're losers
Rugby matches played by England against France since 1906: 89. We've won 47; they've won 35. Draws: 7...>..>..>..>
2. Because they're aggressive
Wars fought against France since 1066: 35. We've won 23; they've won 11. Mutual defeats: 1 (American War of Independence).
3. Because of Napoleon
200 French streets, monuments and institutions commemorate the era of Napoleon, the inventor of totalitarian dictatorship.
4. And because of the Napoleon Complex
While Napoleon was actually 5ft 6.5in tall, his aggression may have stemmed from "strikingly small, infantile and undersized genitals", as revealed in his autopsy. The organ in question measured 1.25in.
5. Because they make love more than anyone else
On average, that's 137 times a year; we only manage 119 times.
6. Because everyone believes they're great lovers
But when asked about Napoleon's love-making, French good-time girl Marguerite Josephine Weimer remarked that the Duke of Wellington was "beaucoup le plus fort". Today, just 23 per cent of French people are happy with their sex lives compared to 25 per cent of Brits.
7. Because they love yappy dogs
More than nine per cent of French dog owners have a poodle.
8. But they won't clean up after them
French dog owners refuse to pick up the 5,840 tonnes of dog-doo dropped on their streets each year.
9. Because they're allergic to customer service
In London eateries, it takes an average 3.4 minutes to get a glass of water once a waiter has been alerted; in Paris it takes 17.9 minutes.
10. Because they're rude
The "Paris Syndrome" is a medically recognised type of depression which afflicts foreign visitors, caused by the sustained rudeness of French people to outsiders.
11. Because they can't wait
Many French men still prefer the convenience of a trottoir to the public WC.
12. Because they lack humour
Before the Revolution, the French spoke of l'esprit (wit), or la farce (joke) but the word "humour" had no equivalent. Not until 1932 did the French Academy allow l'humour into the language.
13. Because we've been allowed to believe that French women don't get fat
Current diet books claim that French women are thin because they eat only fresh produce, and slowly. However, French obesity rates are exploding and one in four French women is on some kind of mood-altering medication. Of course they're not hungry – they're stoned.
14. Because they do things the wrong way
The French take more suppositories than the rest of Europe combined. In 2006, they shoved 235 tonnes of pharmaceuticals up themselves. That's equivalent to 1,850 Gérard Depardieus (approx.).
15. That goes for their wildlife, too
In 1998 alone, 25 million geese and ducks were force-fed in battery farms to make foie gras: the €20 hors d'oeuvre.
16. Because they love Jerry
In 1963, Jerry Lewis's The Nutty Professor was voted "Best Film" in France. Le Roi du Crazy, as Lewis is known over there, holds the Legion of Honour, traditionally awarded only to victorious French generals: pretty rare.
17. And they hate Gerry
In 2005, national treasure Gérard Depardieu announced he was leaving France because: "Only the British understand me… They have a great sense of humour. It is the French who are cretins".
18. Because they think their cooking is the best in the world
They boasted 26 three-starred restaurants in the 2005 Michelin Guide. However, the guide is a French institution. Could that be why the UK had only three? Coincidence, non?
19. Because of their incessant wining
Does France still make the best wine? Not if you go by the infamous Paris Wine Tasting of 1976, when an English wine merchant organised a "blind" tasting before a jury of French experts. To their horror, they rated Californian wines as winners in both the red and white wine categories. The French press first denied any tasting had happened, then claimed the results were fixed.
20. You can't trust their wine labels either
In one 2002 case, a Burgundian vintner got jailed for rebottling 4,000 hectolitres of Algerian plonk as a much more expensive Bordeaux.
21. Because they took the cow pat… and turned it into a hat
Well, that's what the beret is, isn't it?
22. Because their legendary "Va Va Voom" is a lie
They only spend an average 19.2 minutes on foreplay. The British take 22.5 minutes.
23. Because 50 per cent of them don't even associate sex with pleasure
And 23 per cent say they would be "relieved" not to have sex for several months.
24. Because they patented the kiss
In fact, there is no actual word for "French Kiss" in French. It is simply embrasser avec la langue (literally, to kiss with the tongue). Colloquially it is referred to as rouler une pelle (to roll the spade). Only in Quebec is it "frencher".
25. Because they're big bullies
The French shoot, poison, trap, crush, stuff and then eat almost anything smaller than themselves. Box-nets are laid down across the Aquitaine countryside to trap skylarks, while Languedoc hunters blast turtledoves out of the sky.
26. Because the French health service is the best in the world
However, during a 2003 heat wave, the French health services, rated as a "world best" by the WHO, failed to prevent the deaths of 16,300 elderly people.
27. Because their country doesn't work
Employers have to pay social security taxes equal to 48 per cent of each employee's salary, so they take on fewer people, and France's unemployment rate has hovered around 10 per cent for a decade.
28. Because they get up our noses
Forty per cent of French men, and 25 per cent of women, do not change their underwear daily – and only 47 per cent bathe every day (compared to 70 per cent of the British).
29. Because they invented Sadism
France is not only the birthplace of the Marquis de Sade but also of Renault's flirty series of Ben and Sophie "Eiffel Tower v Blackpool Tower" TV ads. Talk about torture…
30. Because it's taken them a thousand years to admit we're better than them
"The standard of life of the British is higher than that of the French," said M. le President Nicolas Sarkozy, in his 2006 autobiography. Finally.
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Thursday, August 30, 2007
1. What Berlin wall?
2. Humvees, minus the artillery, have always been available to the public.
3. Rush Limbaugh and the "Dittoheads" have always been lambasting liberals.
4. They never "rolled down" a car window.
5. Michael Moore has always been angry and funny.
6. They may confuse the Keating Five with a rock group.
7. They have grown up with bottled water.
8. General Motors has always been working on an electric car.
9. Nelson Mandela has always been free and a force in South Africa.
10. Pete Rose has never played baseball.
11. Rap music has always been mainstream.
12. Religious leaders have always been telling politicians what to do, or else!
13. "Off the hook" has never had anything to do with a telephone.
14. Music has always been "unplugged."
15. Russia has always had a multi-party political system.
16. Women have always been police chiefs in major cities.
17. They were born the year Harvard Law Review Editor Barack Obama announced he might run for office some day.
18. The NBA season has always gone on and on and on and on.
19. Classmates could include Michelle Wie, Jordin Sparks, and Bart Simpson.
20. Half of them may have been members of the Baby-sitters Club.
21. Eastern Airlines has never "earned their wings" in their lifetime.
22. No one has ever been able to sit down comfortably to a meal of "liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti."
23. Wal-Mart has always been a larger retailer than Sears and has always employed more workers than GM.
24. Being "lame" has to do with being dumb or inarticulate, not disabled.
25. Wolf Blitzer has always been serving up the news on CNN.
26. Katie Couric has always had screen cred.
27. Al Gore has always been running for president or thinking about it.
28. They never found a prize in a Coca-Cola "MagiCan."
29. They were too young to understand Judas Priest's subliminal messages.
30. When all else fails, the Prozac defense has always been a possibility.
31. Multigrain chips have always provided healthful junk food.
32. They grew up in Wayne's World.
33. U2 has always been more than a spy plane.
34. They were introduced to Jack Nicholson as "The Joker."
35. Stadiums, rock tours and sporting events have always had corporate names.
36. American rock groups have always appeared in Moscow.
37. Commercial product placements have been the norm in films and on TV.
38. On Parents' Day on campus, their folks could be mixing it up with Lisa Bonet and Lenny Kravitz with daughter Zöe, or Kathie Lee and Frank Gifford with son Cody.
39. Fox has always been a major network.
40. They drove their parents crazy with the Beavis and Butt-head laugh.
41. The "Blue Man Group" has always been everywhere.
42. Women's studies majors have always been offered on campus.
43. Being a latchkey kid has never been a big deal.
44. Thanks to MySpace and Facebook, autobiography can happen in real time.
45. They learned about JFK from Oliver Stone and Malcolm X from Spike Lee.
46. Most phone calls have never been private.
47. High definition television has always been available.
48. Microbreweries have always been ubiquitous.
49. Virtual reality has always been available when the real thing failed.
50. Smoking has never been allowed in public spaces in France.
51. China has always been more interested in making money than in reeducation.
52. Time has always worked with Warner.
53. Tiananmen Square is a 2008 Olympics venue, not the scene of a massacre.
54. The purchase of ivory has always been banned.
55. MTV has never featured music videos.
56. The space program has never really caught their attention except in disasters.
57. Jerry Springer has always been lowering the level of discourse on TV.
58. They get much more information from Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert than from the newspaper.
59. They're always texting 1 n other.
60. They will encounter roughly equal numbers of female and male professors in the classroom.
61. They never saw Johnny Carson live on television.
62. They have no idea who Rusty Jones was or why he said "goodbye to rusty cars."
63. Avatars have nothing to do with Hindu deities.
64. Chavez has nothing to do with iceberg lettuce and everything to do with oil.
65. Illinois has been trying to ban smoking since the year they were born.
66. The World Wide Web has been an online tool since they were born.
67. Chronic fatigue syndrome has always been debilitating and controversial.
68. Burma has always been Myanmar.
69. Dilbert has always been ridiculing cubicle culture.
70. Food packaging has always included nutritional labeling.
Copyright 2007 by Beloit College, 700 College St., Beloit, Wisconsin 53511
Saturday, June 30, 2007
One thing I have always been taught is to be responsible for your own actions. But this week in the news, there have been 2 stories that really taught me that I don't need to be responsible for them any more. The first was the story of Isaiah Washington. For those of you who are so disconnected from the world that you don't know who he is, he is the star from Grey's Anatomy that really likes the word fag. He called TR Knight, George, a fag one the set of the show, then used the word again behind the scenes of the Golden Globes. Washington then went to counseling and became a reformed man. But the studio hade already decided to fire him, as he was causing a disturbance with the cast. So now he has been fired, he has his own explantion:
"Well, it didn't help me on the set that I was a black man who wasn't a mush-mouth Negro walking around with his head in his hands all the time. I didn't speak like I'd just left the plantation and that can be a problem for people sometime," he said.
And for those of you still living under a rock, it has rained a little her in Texas over the past week. On Tuesday, a Garland boy was swept to his death and firefighters let him die. He and a friend went out to a creek in Garland to play after the rains had caused it to swell. William Griffin, 13, fell into Duck Creek and was swept of in the high fast moving water. He was able to grab hold of a bridge and hold tight until rescuers arrived to save him. Firefighters set up a rescue squad down stream to catch him if anything went wrong whiile a paramedic threw him a lifeline. The boy reached for the lifeline and lost his grip on the bridge and floated off in the high current. Firefighters downstream weren't able to catch him, and he was found a couple of miles further down dead. Now the mother of the child is saying that firefighters killed her boy.
"They are the ones that killed my son. They could have walked through that water and got my son and taken him to safety but they didn't do that," mother Tanya Griffin said.
Now I have taken water rescue classes that are taught to firefighters, and one thing they teach you in the class is that the water is moving a lot faster than you think, and do not put yourself in a situation you cannot get out of. When is it ok for us to kill 4 people to safe one? Never. But we all know, Tanya, that you are not responsible for your own children. It is the states, and televisions, responsibility. Never mind the fact that he couldn't swim and shouldn't have been close to the creek. Garland firefighters are murderers and should be punished by huge lawsuits. How dare they let him go by the creek when he can't swim and not erect safety barriers to prevent him falling in, then attempt to rescue him without risking the lifes of a whole squad of firefighters. Shame on you City of Garland. It was the fault of the faggot Jew racist's who run Garland that William perished in such an awful way.
So from now on, I am no longer taking responsibilty for my actions. Next time I get pulled over and asked why I was speeding, I will tell the cop because he is a facist donut eating pig, or if I get hospitalized for alcohol poisoning, it is the fault of Anheuser Busch for pouring their beer down my throat. From now on, nothing is my fault. William, Isaiah and I are now absolved from our actions, and so are you dear reader.
Isaiah Washington Story
Saturday, May 19, 2007
For those of you who don't know me, I'm Simon, Matt's Greatest Friend. It's great to be stood up here today because, after all these years, Matt has finally admitted that I am, in fact, the best man.
When I was asked to be the best man, there were a lot of things I wanted to say like how honored and humbled I felt. I've never been asked to do anything quite so responsible before. But then as time went on, I realised that I'd have to do a speech and that at some point during it I would have to say something nice about Matt. The problem is I've had very little experience of doing either, so you'll have to bear with me, actually common advice to inexperienced public speakers is to imagine the audience in their underwear. But unfortunately, I am only able to picture myself in my underwear and it is making it worse.
Now in the run-up to today, Matt and Jenny had a bit of an issue with the seating plan, because they really couldn't decide whom to put where. So as best man, I offered to step in and help work something out. What we finally decided to do was to use the wedding present list, and put those who bought the biggest items nearest the front, and work it back from there. So if they can hear me at the back there thanks to Liz and Bill for the oven glove.
Apparently the best man's job consists of two tasks: The first being to make sure Matt got here on time and in decent form, sober and smart - it is my responsibility to make sure his face and hair are in order. I think that this duty is quite unfair, and have frankly just tried to do the best I could given what I had to work with, although I think I did a pretty good job on his hair.
The second task is getting 5 minutes to assassinate Matt's character and reveal some of the embarrassing things he managed to get away with in his bachelor years.
So now I will do my best to give Matt the most uncomfortable five minutes of his life. For the record, the most uncomfortable five minutes of Jenny's life will be coming later on this evening, courtesy of Matt. So, what can you say about a man who came from humble beginnings and is now quickly rising to the very top of his profession based solely on intelligence, grit and the willpower to push on where others might fail? A man who is beginning to distinguish himself amongst his peers and where no one can say a bad word against him? Anyway that's enough about me. I'm here to talk about Matt.
Matt and I first met on a church retreat in college. I was there trying to dig him out of the rubble as the roof had caved in on top of him. It wasn't too hard to find him as we just followed his laugh. From this day on, our friendship fell into place. I think back on the times when Matt has made me laugh: Like in Galveston, when he was wearing a tank top, a pair of pastel pink plaid shorts, his the salvation army won't even accept them anymore Birkenstocks and purple socks. Or the time he got arrested for returning soda's to Tom Thumb. Or being chased from the donut shop as we were dumpster diving.
One word I always hear mentioned about Matt is frugal. Now, personally, I think that is highly unfair. I think that closefisted, miserly, parsimonious, or just damn cheap would be better ways of describing him. In Jamaica, Matt negotiated for 3 hours for an ugly ass walking stick, and was happy when the man accepted $6 and a Marlboro Medium 100. In Mexico, he negotiated over $3 on a chess set, and then in order to seal the deal, made the man wrap the pieces in newspaper.
But one day I received a call from him. "Simon, I've met a girl" was what he told me. "Oh ok, that's cool," were the words that left my mouth, but in my mind I was thinking, "Uh huh, yeah right." Then he said where he met her. At a garage sale. Now this was becoming a little more believable, I thought. Then he says "She was running the sale, and I forgot to negotiate." At this point, I asked if he was feeling ok. I asked what he thought was causing these wild hallucinations. He felt more ripped off than he felt happy for finding the woman of his dreams. He was however able to negotiate a refund during the first date, and the rest is history.
None of you will know this, but I've actually congratulated the Matt already, I said to him, 'Well done! You will always look back on this as the happiest and best thing you've ever done.' Fitting words, I thought, at the end of a fantastic bachelor party weekend. Now of course there's a couple of embarrassing stories I could say about the weekend, but I won't, mainly because of the hefty bribe Matt promised me before I started preparing this speech. Jenny, you didn't know I was going to Corpus with you both did you?
On a more serious note let me say that the bridesmaids look absolutely stunning today, and only rightly outshone by our bride, Jenny. Jenny, you look absolutely beautiful today. Like an alabaster Tina Turner, if I may be so bold to say. And, I'm sure you'll agree with me gentlemen, today is a sad day for single men, as another beauty leaves the available list. And ladies, I'm sure you'll agree that today's passing by, actually, without much of a ripple. So could we put our hands together for Jenny and the bridesmaids.
I'd also like to thank the ushers today, they've done a great job of ushing – which has not been an easy job with the type of crowd we've had here today.
I'd like to thank Ed and Nicky for letting us have the wedding here at there lovely home. Apparently they forgot what happens when we have parties. Hope your insurance is paid up.
I'd like to thank all the organisers for their hard work in preparing this wedding. I think you'll all agree it is a fantastic venue, has been organised meticulously.
And I'd like to thank everyone here for attending. It still amazes me how far people will travel for a free meal and some complimentary booze.
There are obviously two very important people here today, without whom very little of this would have been possible. Many of us will know them pretty well already, and the great thing is that as the evening progresses, most of us will get to spend more and more time talking with them. So please join me in a very special toast – to the bar staff.
Joking aside now Matt's, been a great friend to me and we've had some excellent times together and I'm sure we'll have more in the future and it's been an honour to be the best man today. When Matt told me he had asked Jenny to marry him, I was obviously delighted, I wish them all the happiness in the world.
Ladies and Gentlemen, for those of you that are still capable of standing, would you now do me the honour of rising to your feet ………..
………and raising your glasses to Mr and Mrs Krystinik May your love be modern enough to servive the times, and old fashioned enough to last for ever.