Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Tips for stealing a car!

Ok, my plan was to write at least one blog a week about something just incredibly dumb. Well I had no inspiration. Not until this morning at least. I was reading CNN and came across a story about a car being stolen, while a police officer was being interviewed for a story. The man in question, Sean Gleason, was looking at a car he wanted to purchase. Instead, while cameras rolled just feet in front of him, he stole the car from the owner, and drove off, leading police on a chase. I'm sure he thought it was a good idea to steal the car right there and then. I mean, when else would be a good time. So, although I do not advocate theft of any kind, except maybe hotel towels, I have decided to provide you with a list of tips for stealing cars. Here's the list in no particular order:

  • Make sure you have the correct tools. Slim Jim's, or just a hammer will work to enter the car. Also a screwdriver (won't tell you which kind) to crank the ignition
  • Get away route. Most people who lead police in chases get so lost, they eventually just give up out of frustration. Buy a GPS, or at least steal one. I keep mine in the centre console of my car, along with my MP3 player, in case you are keeping track. As long as you follow the GPS soothing voice, you will be fine. But make sure you have the language set right. Don't set it to Swedish if you only speak Hindi.
  • Look for cars at banks, 7 Elevens and video stores with the keys in them and the engine running. These are a lot easier to steal, and if there is a child in the backseat, bonus. Rich, infertile couples will pay a pretty penny to "adopt" your baby.
  • Sporting events, movie theatres and shopping malls are great places to steal cars. People are in these places for hours at a time. Especially sporting events. If you listen to the game on the radio, wait till around half time, this will make you less visible.
  • Steal cars that are in high demand. Lexus, Mercedes, BMW's. Leave the Yugo's. The owners want these stolen anyway. They want to claim the $20 from their insurance company. And come on, who would be seen dead in one of those.
  • The second most important tip is this: Don't steal a car while in view of the cops. Now your probably asking why, but to be honest with you, ITS BECAUSE THEY WILL CATCH YOU. Don't steal a car from in front of the police station right after you have been bailed out for stealing cars either. They will figure out pretty quickly that it is you. The cops may be donut eating ticket writing machines, but they are pretty smart also.
  • The most import tip though is DON'T DO IT YOU USELESS DOUCHE BAG. Pretty harsh I know. But there are other ways of getting a car. Like buying one. But, Fr Simon, how do I buy one, you may ask. Well here goes. They have these things called jobs. Now Jobs pay anywhere from $2.13 an hour plus tips for wait staff, to millions for athletes and corporate CEO's. I have a job that pays me somewhere between those 2 numbers, and have bought a car with my own hard earned money. It makes you feel a lot better about yourself, and less likely to become someones bitch in prison. And if you really want to be someones bitch, just post on Craigslist M4M forum. Someone will take you up on the offer.
So in conclusion, I think we have determined that people who are thieves are really pretty stupid, and will be caught pretty soon.

See the story that inspired this post: